Maraia's Rainmaking Blog

Everyone Loves Relationships-They Just Don't Know It Yet

I've just returned from Amsterdam where I had the pleasure of speaking to nearly two hundred lawyers and accountants about the importance of relationships.  I've done enough work with professionals from all over the world to know that relationship skills trump selling skills, particularly in this market. Many professionals hate selling but they value their work and personal relationships. This may surprise some of you, but the key relationship you'll want to focus on is the one with yourself.  Sounds pretty corny, but it's true.  

So what does that mean at a practical level?  First, it means paying more attention to how you think about others.  The prevailing belief shared by most of the world is "my thoughts about people and relationships aren't as crucial as what I do." That's just flat out not true.  Your thoughts cause your behavior.  What goes on in your mind will heavily influence behavior. Sure you can act in a manner that is different from what you believe, but not forever and not without expending a boat load of energy.  Not only is it draining it doesn't even work.  I'd contend that most people can see right through your act.  If you don't genuinely care about the people you work with, it will eventually shine through without your wanting it to be known. The delusion is, you think it's working.  

As stated in the introduction to my most recent book, "we often discover our own blind spots, shortcomings and character flaws through other people, particularly those who push our buttons."  Indeed you're unlikely to discover your blind spots unless it's through a relationship.  That's what makes each relationship so valuable:  They all lead to growth! I'll admit when you first begin to look at your blind spots it's very painful.  Over time, it gets easier and the rewards are great.  In the March 2010 issue of the Maraia Minutes, I tell the story of one lawyer whose blind spot didn't allow him to see how he was getting in his own way and it was hurting his rainmaking. I see this so often and with such unmistakable clarity that I felt compelled to write about it in this blog.  

The bottom line is this: We spend an enormous amount of time and energy running from ourselves.  Stop running.  How will you know if you're running from yourself?  You make someone else the problem.  I promise you this: If you start looking at your relationships as a classroom to learn about yourself the rewards will surpass anything you can imagine.  The most difficult part of this process is beginning.  Some of you reading this post will think I'm full of it.  Some of you will agree completely.  Many of you are probably not sure what to think.  If you're one of those who is unsure please try this experiment the next time you're having a problem with someone.  Ask yourself this question:  "What's this person teaching me about myself (or my beliefs) that I might not otherwise be willing to look at?" No matter how improperly the other person may be behaving there is always a pearl of wisdom in the answer.  They are giving you a great gift should you choose to accept it.  

Mark